Who's The Perfect One For You?
by Topaz
Summary: Harry & friends take a survey to find the perfect guy/girl for them. It's based on a true story ,too... *shudder*


WHO'S THE PERFECT ONE FOR YOU?  
by Topaz  
  
  
"As part of our new fund-raising campaign," Snape announced, "I will hand out these surveys to determine who is the best partner for you."  
  
Ron looked confused. "Who should be your girlfriend," Hermione translated for him, and he nodded.  
  
"How does taking the survey raise funds?" Harry called.  
  
Snape looked blank. "Um... just fill them out, okay?" He started passing out sheets filled with questions.  
  
Seamus raised his hand. "What if you're gay?"  
  
Snape thought about that. "Then where it asks for your gender, say 'female' and you'll get males."  
  
"Yeah, but other guys might get me even if they're not gay," Seamus pointed out. He saw the class staring at him. "Er, not that I'm gay, of course."  
  
Harry looked at his sheet.  
  
Name: Harry Potter  
Year: Fifth  
Gender: Male  
  
"Are you sure you're male?" Draco Malfoy sneered.  
  
"Are you?" Harry retorted, writing down the date and confirming his gender.   
  
Hermione was already on the third question, which asked what your favorite flavor of soup was: chicken noodle, clam chowder, tomato, or vegetable. She raised her hand. "Professor, I like chicken noodle and clam chowder equally."  
  
"Bletch," Ron said. "I hate seafood."  
  
"Just pick one," Snape said, exasperated. "It's just soup."  
  
Hermione scowled and scribbled something down. Harry looked back at his sheet.  
  
Would you rather go to the mall:  
a) with a friend, b) with a date, c) with your parents, d) by yourself  
  
"How about e) I hate the mall," Ron suggested, writing 'a' in the blank. Harry wrote 'a' and looked around. Parvati and Lavendar put 'b', Malfoy complained that he couldn't say 'with his henchman' and chose 'd', and Neville was the only person to say 'c' after asking if his grandmother counted.  
  
"Who'd want to go to the mall with that hag?" Ron muttered. "I'd rather pick 'd'."  
  
When you are bored do you:  
a) call a friend, b) watch TV/listen to music, c) use the computer, d) eat, or e) sleep  
  
"Definitely call a friend," Hermione decided. "Or use the computer."  
  
"What's a computer?" Ron said helplessly.  
  
Harry wrote down e, then moved on to the next question.  
  
If you went on a trip, would you rather travel by:  
a) plane, b) car, c) train, or d) bus  
  
"I know what a car is," Ron said, "and I know what a train is, and I think planes are those flying things, and buses are like the Knight Bus... scary things. I'll choose b."   
  
"Yeah, me too," Harry agreed, writing down b.  
  
"Wimps," Dean said. "I like planes. Except they make my ears pop."  
  
"I always throw up," Neville said palely.  
  
Are you a procrastinator?  
a) definitely yes, b) no, c) can I get back to you?  
  
"I'm not a procrastinator," Hermione said proudly.  
  
"Yeah, you're a geek," Malfoy said loudly, and received a flying textbook to the head as Hermione threw the thing nearest her. He collapsed on the ground, unconscious.  
  
"Er, Hermione, I think you knocked him cold," Ron remarked, nudging Malfoy's limp body with his foot.   
  
"I'm not sure if I'm a procrastinator," Harry said. He decided to choose c and moved on.  
  
Which 'E' describes you best:  
a) energetic, b) enthusiastic, c) easy-going, or d) expressive  
  
The class stared at their sheets, completely confused.  
  
"Professor?" several voices asked.  
  
"Just pick one," Snape groaned, massaging his temples.   
  
Harry shrugged, scribbled down c, and looked at Ron, who had written b. They both looked at Hermione, who glared at them. She had written a b as well. Malfoy had regained consciousness and written a c.  
  
"Him? Easy-going?" Ron burst into laughter.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Malfoy shrieked, charging furiously at Ron. "I AM EASY GOING!"  
  
Is it better to go to a dance:  
a) with a group of friends, or b) with a date  
  
"A date!" Parvati said, surprised. "Obviously!" She leaned against Dean, fluttering her eyelashes.  
  
"I'm taken," Dean said quickly, glancing at Seamus.  
  
"Ew!" Malfoy shrieked. "You're gay, too!"  
  
"You're so quick you amaze me," Hermione remarked, writing a on her sheet. "Wow, guys, look at this one."  
  
Do you prefer:  
a) bunny slippers, b) bathrobes, c) flannels, or d) revealing lingerie  
  
"D, of course," Parvati remarked, writing it down.  
  
Ron made sure no one was looking before writing a.  
  
Harry, disgusted, wrote down c and continued on.  
  
Which is your favorite zoo animal?  
a) monkeys, b) elephants, c) polar bears, or d) penguins  
  
"Penguins are sooo cute!" Hermione squealed happily.  
  
"No, fluffy polar bears!" Ron argued.  
  
"Furry widdle monkeys!" Malfoy disagreed.  
  
"Elephants aren't exactly cute," Harry said, edging his seat away from the others, who were still cooing over the animals, "but I'll choose them anyway."  
  
The zoo animals question was the last, and the students all passed in their surveys, arguing furiously over which animal was the cutest. Malfoy and Neville preferred monkeys, Ron, Parvati, and Lavendar were for polar bears, and Hermione insisted that baby penguins were the cutest creatures alive. No one thought that elephants were cute, except Harry, who secretly felt that baby elephants had their own charm.  
  
  
The next day as they filed into class, Snape had the surveys ready. "Your perfect partner has been found," he announced, handing out sheets of paper to the students.  
  
"WHAT?!" Hermione shrieked. "Malfoy?"  
  
Draco Malfoy looked at his sheet, screamed, and fainted.  
  
Neville looked confused. "Mine says Crabbe," he announced, "but I'm not gay."  
  
Parvati held up her slip of paper triumphantly. "Mine says..." she paused. "Professor Snape?"  
  
Snape twiddled his thumbs and stared innocently out the windows.  
  
"Ewwwww!" Parvati shrieked, running out of the classroom, clutching her throat and gagging.  
  
Lavendar blinked. "How come hers says Snape and mine says Parvati?" She looked at Snape. "You rigged it so that hers would say you! Snape likes Parvati!"  
  
"Snape likes Parvati," the students sang, "Snape likes Parvati, Snape likes--"  
  
"Shut up!" Snape yelled, throwing erasers at them. "Do I shout about your love lives?"  
  
"EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!" the children shrieked at the tops of their lungs.   
  
"And why would mine say Parvati, anyway?" Lavendar continued. "I'm straight. And everyone knows Seamus and I are the perfect couple."  
  
Seamus looked helplessly at Dean, who shrugged.  
  
Ron looked at his. "Mine says... Pansy Parkinson?! Yuck!"  
  
"Say that again!" Pansy shouted, shoving her fist in his face.  
  
"Er, I mean, yay," Ron said meekly.  
  
The whole class was screaming about who their paper said, most of them either delighted, horrified, or laughing hysterically.  
  
Goyle and Blaise Zabini, having found that they were paired up in the survey, took the opportunity to announce their engagement and coming wedding and then walked out the door as their classmates cheered and threw pencils, lacking confetti.  
  
Harry slowly unfolding his paper, and silence fell over the classroom as pair after pair of curious eyes turned to watch him. He lifted the paper and...  
  
THE END  
  
HAHAHAHAHA!! You feel so dissed! Okay, okay, that wasn't the end.  
  
He lifted the paper and screamed.   
  
THE END  
  
Just kidding, just kidding...  
  
He lifted the paper and screamed. "UNCLE VERNON?"   
  
The great Harry Potter, many-time defeater of Voldemort, international hero, child star, died at the age of fifteen from a heart attack. The makers of the survey would have been sued, but there was no one to sue them, since Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia had both died of dangerously high blood pressure after receiving the news of why Harry had died, and his classmates were all either traumatized for life or busy getting married.  
  
THE REAL END  
  
  
Wasn't that a heartwarming story? *Sniffs* I'm so touched. Yeah, right. Well, anyway, this is based on a true story; my school handed out these surveys and you had to pay $2 to see who the perfect guy/girl for you was. The results haven't come back yet, so I can't tell you who's destined for me, and I wouldn't tell you anyway. All of the questions are taken from the real survey except the bunny slippers one, which I made up. I omitted several questions that I forgot, and I also left out a question about whether or not you could ride a bike because I forgot most of the options.  
  
Tip of the day: If you drink too much eggnog in one sitting you will feel sick to your stomach.  
  



End file.
